“The unexpectedly rigorous business of bringing up children exposed me, as it necessarily exposes almost any parents, to our ‘child-centered’ society’s icy indifference to everything that makes it possible for children to flourish and to grow up to be responsible adults.” (Christopher Lasch, The True and Only Heaven: Progress and its Critics, p. 33).
We spent an evening at our first parent-enrichment last week discussing and reflecting upon the importance of establishing good boundaries for our children by setting them most clearly for ourselves. The difference between our approach to the discipline that young children need and that of authoritarian-type parenting consists in a form of necessary self-reflection; “no” for us becomes “yes” for them. “Yes” you may play outside, climb a tree, sweep the porch, sit in the swing, play with a friend – emerges easily out of practices that do not allow iPads or television in our young children’s lives, sets time limits to play dates, bed times, dinner-table routines or rowdiness. We also need to deny ourselves the pleasures of too much screen time or overindulgence, while creating pleasurable time with our children: lying around doing nothing, doing chores together, hiking, family game nights, camping, traveling. These experiences of “togetherness” are the building blocks of our future, older families. These are daily practices of self-discipline. And if we know our children thrive in a predictable world designed by us through our abilities to set limits for ourselves, they will want to enter into that world in healthy ways.
Not only do these limit-setting practices help our young children, but they will help us as we and our children age – to know ourselves and to arrive quickly at the answers we need to difficult questions. What will we do when our 9 or 10 year old asks to go to a friend’s house and we don’t know that friend? What will we do when they encounter another family’s values and they are different from ours? How will we cut through the chaos of conflict that other value-systems will bring into our homes if we have not examined our own values and decided how we will act as a family? Inevitably we will encounter these other sets of values (if the television is on other people’s values are already in our home). But we will know that no matter the issue we need to wade through we’ll meet at the dinner table, or speak to one another respectfully, or give one another space if needed, or create opportunities for each other to feel better. This is the “fabric of family”.
We’ll be able to do this only if we’ve spent the time in our children’s early years, establishing well-thought-out practices of “togetherness” and discourse. If we push our young children away from our homes too early, we will lose touch with each other’s needs. We will not respect each family member’s difference. We will invite chaos into our homes and struggle to tame it. Our young children’s lives offer us the time to become “family” and to build strong foundations out of self-knowledge.